Fighting for My Feminine Soul: Sensual Healing, ADHD Symptoms, & The Need to Be Productive
In that time of chasing the approval of my own oppressors, I never reached the joy, peace, and contentment that was always the ultimate goal. Rather than peace earned through hard work, I found deeper slavery to capitalism and the need to work even more, push against myself somehow even harder, to finally reach that level of deserving comfort. Instead of freedom to explore my passions while spending more time with loved ones, I created such a deep dissonance within that I kept myself from connecting with others- from sharing my story, message, love, and light with the people who came into my life needing what I have to give.How could I give what I couldn't find?
How could I freely love from a place of such darkness, so distant from myself that the space that once radiated my light was replaced by the dusk of my internal absence?
So far from deeply connecting with the moments that feed my soul, cleanse my energy, and fill my heart, those things almost felt like a dream that lived so far from reality that the two would never truly meet.
Am I creating my dream or my nightmare?
I could almost feel my body language shifting by the day, slowly collapsing in as though to guard my vital organs from the dangers of isolation as I merely existed, so distant from my own nurturing warmth and love that it was never truly clear whether the shivers were caused by the cold or the fear.
Distant.
Disconnected.
Depressed.
Is this success?
I’ve since come to find that the healing feminine often experiences a deep hurt after too long in this constant pressure to deny herself, yet she feels unable to escape its hold. Desperate to preform to the standards of people who would never hear her truth or validate her innate magic, she exhausts herself to prove her productivity: to prove her worth.
She’s been told that’s what success looks like-
but it feels like dying.
Is it supposed to feel that way?
Is my success so closely related to the capitalistic values of hours worked, people pleased, and sacrifices made? Is it even related to the need to provide and produce? Or is it more in alignment with my true desires and intuitive purpose that I am connecting with others, nurturing myself, healing those big wounds, and resonating with my deepest loves?
When I asked myself if this was what I really wanted- every second of every day, chasing and reaching and trying to prove myself to my own oppressor, the one holding me down and keeping me from finding the peace and passion and power that I possess- I couldn’t hear an answer.
But the answer was coming, just not in words.
In tears.
In elephants on my chest.
In forgetting every fucking thing and drowning in my life.
In pain.
In overstimulation
In panic attacks and I…
I can’t b r e a t h e .
How could I escape?
How could I not?
I feared I would spend my life fighting my own intuition and instinctual needs. Without knowing myself, I was destined to stay enslaved to the expectations of others for my entire life, but how could I do something without knowing what the goal even was? What would it even look like to flow with the needs that my body was so desperate to express, yet I was so determined to ignore?
As the questions flowed, the answers followed, and building that internal relationship began to feel like finding missing puzzle pieces in my life. Responding to the needs of my body was actually as simple as allowing it to speak. I reminisce on the dream that was once so distant, beginning to recognize it easing out of the darkness and into reality. And with each step out, I find a new way its beauty shows up in my life.
The answer came, just not in words.
In smiling.
In aches of love in my chest.
In melting deeply into each moment and flowing through my own life.
In relaxing.
In big feelings escaping their container.
In standing in my truth and somehow just now learning how to effectively breathe.
Inhale.
Exhale.
Another.
Then one more
.
Did that really just happen?
Was this all me fighting for myself… fighting for my soul?
Was it seeking refuge and finding isolation?
Was this some quest where each checkpoint took me further from my intended destination, so far that I forgot where I was even going to begin with?
This was fucking insane.
Call it what resonates with you:
Control vs Autonomy.
Civil War vs Inner Peace.
Dissonance vs Resonance.
Depression vs Connection.
Locked Chains vs Innate Freedom.
People Pleasing vs Self-Fulfillment.
Fighting vs Flowing.
Flailing vs Floating.
Wounded Masculine vs Divine Feminine.
Success vs Success.
As I’ve given myself permission to soften into my feminine energy and all of the beautiful healing that naturally emerges with the rest, self-care, sensuality, and self-discovery of embracing the feminine essence, I’ve come to find my ADHD symptoms have significantly subsided. Historically, I’ve always forced myself to conform to the patriarchal wounded masculine energy of the world around me: pushing, chasing, providing, and forcing more productivity. My attempt to not only neglect but almost trade in my feminine to fit societal values and expectations of feminine beings to push against their most healthy nature, needs, and desires was ultimately ineffective.
There is no contentment without self-connection.
Yours sensually,
Michaela ♡
